Da Past…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqQftdj81w4

I came across something very interesting tonight as I attempted to organize my book shelf. I came across the letter I emailed most of you about an upcoming surgery I was in preps for.

I was weeks away from donating my kidney to my Dad. He didn’t make it to surgery. This burdened my heart to the upmost, seeing as though in my eyes I imagined a life complete and mended hearts for us all.

The interesting part wasn’t the letter I sent to all of you, rather it was all of your responses to my letter titled “Family.”

A lot of us may think of our pasts and cringe at the mistakes we have made or the wrong doings that have scared us. But I am headed in a new direction… Embrace your past! Acknowledge to yourself it happened… It happened and your still breathing, meaning your story is not finished. I no longer see the point… You know, the looking back and swallowing hard? I have not done everything right. Shizz does happen, and it happens to the best of us. Maybe it comes with age or with just experience of making mistakes. Whatever the case, I know I am forgiven and better yet, I am loved…

A blast from my past is being blessed to thankfully go through letters of encouragement and hope from all of you, as well as the pictures of times shared and time gratefully spent.

If you all knew me, you know I would say… “I don’t live my life full of regrets. It has made me into the woman I am today.”

-Mo

Email titled “Family…” -by Monica R. Rodriguez 4/23/08

 Friends,

As many of you may already be aware, I (God willing) will be undergoing surgery to donate a kidney to my father. The surgery is scheduled for May 15th, granted we pass all our tests. I sent you an email sometime last month sharing with you the excitement of being a perfect match (though I am not my father’s biological daughter) which has given my family hope.

I know that in sharing our story with some of you, some call it bravery, some question why. I say, its time. My husband and I agree that an appointment like this is and only can be God. Every little detail of the journey we have fought up until this point, if I shared them each with you, you too would see the finger print of God. Again, I say, it’s time.

Some would say, “But parents are to help give life to their children, not the other way around.” My response is, “what greater gift than to be privileged with returning the favor?” “But he’s not even your real dad.” My response is, “a part of me and him says he is.”

My grandfather, Jose Che Roldan exemplified a life dedicated to family. He taught us, in his unique and many times un-civil way, that family is your greatest reward. You live for family and you lay your life down for family. He was no respecter of persons. If you were his brother’s brother, you were family. Family gatherings were in the hundreds; every wedding, every birthday, every holiday, Labor Day and Independence Day. No one was left out. Everyone was family. “You married so and so, your family. You are so and so’s kids, your family.” Nothing divided us; not the mess ups of young teenagers, not drugs, not alcohol, not even a prison record. You are family and nothing changed that.

Years later, Che Roldan is but a memory. Holidays are just another day off. Members hold on to grudges as if their entire life depended on it. Point fingers and shake their heads no. Is this our new definition of family? Where our homes were shelters for the hurting now are but shut doors, at times slammed shut. Is this the culture we’ve created? Are these the legacies we want to pass down to our children?

Try watching your father have an anxiety attack, have water in his lungs, be on a breathing machine and be told he can’t see his deathly ill father. Try watching that. Try being told you can’t be there. Some would say, “But I don’t have a relationship like that with my dad.” Please don’t tell me you wish never had. Everyone does!

My goddaughters have taught me the value of saying “I love you.” Every time they see/ speak to someone they care about, they say “I love you.” I have heard people say, it loses its value after saying it so much. How can saying you love someone ever lose its value? Love is love. You say it because you mean it. You say it because you want that person to know, “If I never see you again, I LOVE YOU.”

My name is Monica Rosali Matinez- de Rodriguez. My parents are John & Luisa Rivera, Harry & Wanda Martinez and Elisamuel & Maria V. Rodriguez. I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters. My husband’s name is Eli Rodriguez and my children are Zechariah Samuel & Zamaris Luisali. My spiritual parents were Jeff & Russa Davis (RIP), I have 8 god children, 3 soul babies, friends that are dearest to my heart (from various nations) and I have a church family who have loved me back together again.

We are all one body, connected to do many things. We are one body, created to show the world true family.

I do this for my father, I do this for you. As God has provided for us, He can provide for you too!

If you ever ask yourself why again, let it be because WE ARE FAMILY, THAT’S WHY…

In His love,

Monica R. Rodriguez

 *letter updated 1/4/10 on the birthday of my biological father, Harry whom I love…

2010

Now that da days have settled into this new year, I’m ready to think and evaluate. I have one simple resolution this year and that’s to simply cut back. It is true… too much of anything is never good. And so some may challenge and argue: one can never get enough God. This question intrigues me because da politically correct answer would be just that: one can never get enough of God. But is it? What do u think?

While u think on that, allow me to go on. So, aside from my one New Year’s resolution, I have attainable goals… one’s that do not set me up for failure. And everyday is a choice to reach my goals. Some goals are

short term others are designed with a better me in mind.

I am very excited for da new year. I’m facing my fears and growing up.

Happy New Year world! You haven’t seen nothing yet…

Love Brings Change…

@hislove4mo “life is constant change… even if it means forced change. I release myself. Maybe I can teach myself a different love language.”

@nuhaminw “i think its ok if you desire to receive a love language that you don’t give out, thats the point, its how others speak Love to you and you can give a different one…”

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My Christmas has shown me a variety of change present and change to come. This ministers to me because just as Christ entered this world, He brought forth change. A revolutionary change that rocked the world forever. I am an ordinary girl looking to accomplish some extra ordinary things… Sure I am a working progress, sure I at times walk mindlessly, whatever the cause whatever the motivation, Love is what brings change…

This Christmas was one like I have never experienced… I feel freedom and peace to love at all cost and demonstrate my love. Not just in gifts we intentionally purchased with love, but in time and in fellowship. My children have lit such a special place inside of me that without their constant love and appreciation for me, I’d be lost. They have inspired change in me, not that it doesn’t benefit me also, but because it challenges me to be a better person for THEM…

Some of us feel out of place and unclaimed… God knows your every heart beat and your every tear. You matter to Him and you matter to me too. Merry Christmas!

Prayer…

Lord, forgive me for the times I’ve failed to share my personal resources with You and others, especially when there are so many people in need. Help me to see all the potential good that even the smallest gifts You’ve given me can do. Give me the faith and the compassion to wholeheartedly offer them up to You so that others may be blessed and You may be glorified. – Amen “Life on Purpose Devotional”

Love hard… that’s me!

Had a late lunch with a friend… We talked about life and loving hard, where we are at and where we are going. The question proposed to me was “Why did you stop?”

Why this question caught me off guard was because it was a question I have never been asked before. “Why did I stop being me?”

Some much can happen and so much can change in the blink of an eye, but somewhere down the line I had stopped being me. I had forgotten how to love and the people who knew of that type of love are the ones that felt the void. Little did I know. Some I know, took my love for granted but I am also reminded from my friend today that forgiveness isn’t an option when we are in Christ. There is much that we cannot understand and so much we probably do not agree, but forgiveness is a given when we have been forgiven. When the forgiveness from the One who truly matters most touches our life, we are moved with compassion to forgive others. Even when it still hurts.

I truly thought that with all that has been lost and all that is no longer the same that my heart would/ should be choosy who I let in and why. But as I sat with my friend I was reminded why I loved so hard to begin with.

It wasn’t for you. It isn’t because of you. It’s because of me. It’s because this who I am. Mo. The woman who loves hard, that doesn’t give up and who is uniquely designed and shaped this way. And I wont apologize for being who God created me to be. Regardless of the price I have to pay.

I wanted to grow cold, I wanted to stay far away but Someone has never let me do that fully. Even when it made the most sense, still the most logical thing couldn’t keep me from being me.

Where will my heart lead me next, I don’t know. But I am willing to step out in faith and try. I am ready for love…

Today’s Highlight: My friend who reminded me of why I do what I do and why I love it so much. “Thank you for assuring me, my love wasn’t in vain. I love you!”

-In His love,

Mo

Open up your Heart!

Outta no where…

There are days where I get so inspired to write about life and about all that is going on around me… It isn’t this profound deep revelation except it sorta is for me… hard to describe, I know. But it happens to me especially those moments I am in awe of how much my God loves me. I mean, He loves me… and I feel His love. There is nothing special about today except I am inspired by all this creativeness brewing inside of me, that I have ignored for quite sometime. I can’t put into words, but I am excited… So, excited to see what’s next.

It began when I found out Eli planned a trip for me. I trip! For me! Just us! It was perfect. People ask, “So, how was it? Did you have a good time?” I can only simply respond, that it was perfect… Wanna know why? Maybe not, but I’m gonna tell you anyway… Because he had me in his mind all along! My husband had ME in mind ALL ALONG! If at ever any point you have crossed paths with me, you would have known that I was sick. And yes, I say sick, because depression is an illness that without being treated you can lose your mind entirely. And that is what was slowly happening to me without me ever once noticing. It wasn’t until those closest around me started to show signs of weirdness. My family, bless their hearts, literally had meetings and convo about how “sick” I was becoming… I felt bad. Lol, for them. Bendito. They cared enough to notice and to gather together as a team to pray for me and love me back whole.

I juggled a lot of hurt. A lot of confusion. It really was a scary place, because it literally felt as though I lost it all. Little did I know, what I have gained is what no person in da world can describe in mere words… I have gained NEW LIFE!

Ahhh… I knew it would be hard to describe what I am feeling but I will attempt.

Close your eyes and embrace all your surroundings. What do you smell? What do you hear? What can you feel? You can hear the voices of the people you love or possibly the wind and what it pushes along in nature… You can smell the Sunday soup being seasoned and touched with flavor… You can feel the feet of this little person you brought into this life and it makes your heart melt every time those toes are in your palms… And how about when you feel the breath of this person you feel the most safest in your world as they push back your hair and kiss your neck… Now you open your eyes…

You actually see the faces of those who have prayed you through your storm. They minister to you daily by just being their normal selves and they draw others to their ministry by being a listening ear and bowl of Sunday soup open for the world to come and partake… And then you see the face of which these tiny toes you helped in bearing stare at you. They call your name and you know their voice and you listen… you taste the Sunday soup made especially for you because no one is ever left out, always welcomed we all are. And then you see the face of your beloved as they lean in to assure you, your scent, your touch, your taste is as important to them as theirs is to you and you feel it…. At those moments you feel it and with every sense in action you know, you are Loved…

This is my new life, and God has corrected my vision. For too long I was focused on the wrongs things, on the wrong people. What I needed was to be reminded that in this life, stuff and things and people go away. Some people die, some stuff gets lost and things just stop working. But once your eyesight is corrected you can now appreciate all the things you once took for granted.

Listen, my husband didn’t take me to some secluded island in Central America, nor did we have the budget to take this trip, but you know what? That was quite ok. Why? Because I felt loved. He had me in mind the whole time and it was perfect. Isn’t it awesome that our God, knows the desires of our hearts better than we do? We think if we only had (fill in the blank) that we would be happy. But sometimes that fill in blank comes and we are still empty. Because God knows whats best and He always has our best interest in mind ALL THE TIME. To be loved, to feel loved, to see it! There are no words for me.

This is what I am feeling… new life  the way God intended and He knows what’s best for me!

I am madly in love with Him and I am madly in love with whom He knew would be best for me. My very best friend, Eli. My partner in life. I may have lost lots, many of which cannot be replaced or easy traded in. But what doesn’t go away is the knowing your accepted and loved by your family. Wether by blood or relationship, that is a gift of da purest form.

Ciao! xoxo

-Mo

Why I disappear…

Some people might ask, “What’s up with Mo? She comes in she goes out. What’s the deal?”

This is why at times I disappear: I am cut from a different cord. The blood that travels in and through to my heart is directly connected to my Savior. Which is why, when people hurt I hurt and when people rejoice I rejoice. But it also stings when hurt is intentional and heartless.

I disappear mainly because when my love tank is empty and I need some time away to re-fuel and re-charge on the love only my Creator can give me. It then gives me the strength to love as I once did, placing all other past failures and crap to the side. I love not because people always love me back… that’s simple. I love because its in my make and model.

And though people may forget my love or no longer want or need it, it isn’t my love I will dish out anymore anyway. It’s the love destined in me to share and not hoard to just those who simply love me back. It’s the kind of love I am being taught to share and give freely as it was once freely given to me.

I disappear because sometimes “your” world is too much for me to handle. Sure some may think I think way too much into things and trust me, I do. Because I rejoice when “you” rejoice and I hurt when “you” hurt.

So, some may not get me. Some may not respect me. Some may think I update too much, tweet too much, talk too much and love too much. Truth really is… “I don’t care what people think.” I know. Sounds hard. But its honest. Thoughts are simply thoughts. They aren’t facts. I am not the president, if you have a question, ask. I love when I need to, I disappear when I need to. If its too much for people to handle, I suggest “you” look for the delete button. I’m not going anywhere. And if I do, its just means I need to be re-charged again…

Holla!

2005 Beetle- Zami’s School Project

Cuties!

Music… what’s that all ’bout?

What is it about music that thrives you? That builds you? That cripples you? The song that makes your hands shake when you hear it? Or the melody that makes you drive a little faster, think a little harder, dream a little bigger or hate on another? What is it that makes you move to a beat, dance to da bass or sing along? What is about music? Does a song tell your story? Does it remind you of your past, or enlighten you to a better future? Do you hear da hidden messages? The good or da bad? Does music trick you into thinking your something your not, or do its words challenge you to be better than what you are? Do you control your music or does it control you? Do think different? Do you live different? Do you move different? Do you act different?

The art of music lies in the “ear” of the beholder… “Both Life & Death are in the power of the tongue…” Music isn’t just words… some songs have no words. Music is art and should be respected as such… it’s the words that bring life or death. What are we confessing?